Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Chapter 1: Destruction of the Night, My Personal Demise

I stopped seeing Chase shortly after the night I spent in the closet. We tried to move past it but the truth was I could not bear to be around him anymore after seeing his mother act that way. My parting gift to him was spilling the truth to our friends. They wasted no time in ditching Chase, too. In some sick was, this was my justice. We were all about rebellion and trouble and with our “voice of reason” gone we all started getting worse. I proceeded to drop out of school. We were always out well beyond curfew. I had an arrest record longer than I was tall. Calvin wanted to send me to a military boarding school and I disappeared for so long that, by the time I returned, he dropped the idea all together.

While away from my parents I didn't do anything special. I crashed on friends couches, worked odd jobs and, generally, struggled to get by. It was worth the lesson. Calvin would call me frequently and then, one day, he invited me back home. Now older, I noticed just how badly he needed me around. He was winning the divorce settlement due to the expansive amount of data the private detective had gotten him, but in that process he was losing Evelyn. Despite all the trouble she had been, my dad had truly loved her and losing her was the hardest thing he was going to do in his adult life. It was then that I started to come back to reality.


Calvin helped me get my own apartment close by and I came by to visit him regularly. I was still angry with my parents and Calvin and I still got into far too many heated arguments on a regular basis, but at least Calvin and I were trying to understand one another. I cut all communication with Evelyn shortly after that.

I finished my education when Calvin asked me to and soon after I got a job at a local theater doing back-breaking work that I was rapidly falling in love with. I was determined to make an artist of myself. Calvin and I discussed my potential for fame regularly during the divorce proceedings. He used to joke that I was the perfect drama queen and no one could fill the roles better. I made friends at the theater and saw less and less of my old friends. I still do not know what happened to most of them.

In truth, my faith in the female sex was completely shattered. Evelyn’s greed and lust had ruined my family life and I did not want, or need, to experience that again. I saw enough pain in my father’s eyes every day. As a result, I spent a lot of time with the guys at work. They were so surprised that there was a female stage hand, at my attitude and hard work they rapidly accepted me. We went to bars, clubs and hung out regularly after work. I became particularly attached to Talon Grece. He was tough minded, strong willed and engaging.



I do not think that I could call our relationship stable due to what was going on with my parents. I just couldn’t trust another person as much as I knew I needed to and Talon never pushed this with me. We didn’t love one another, or at least we never said as much, but we were as close as two people could be without emotional attachments. We spent countless nights together wound up in each other’s bed laughing at the day’s events, politics and funny stories. We didn’t hold much back from one another. I think we were comfortable this way, remaining as distantly close as possible. 

My relationship with Calvin was improving dramatically as I grew older, wiser, stronger and, well, saner.  Then the divorce was finalized and he won everything in the proceedings. He let her keep her “crisis trinkets” and had her moved out of our home, permanently, by professional movers. Once her things were gone from the home, he kind of lost it. He just wandered around aimlessly in a confused daze. I would come by to make lunch or dinner and he would spare me a few sentences followed by utter silence. If he didn’t have a live-in butler and a working garden staff I’m sure the house would have declined into a state of condemnation before I could have done anything. What made it all worse was our relationship started to slide. I felt like everything I was trying was not having an effect. He wanted to be left alone. Then, when ski season opened, work called and he dove into it all so hard that I hardly saw him anymore.  I knew he was escaping the reality of the situation and I decided to let him do it. After all, hadn’t I been doing the same thing the last six years?


           On the other end of that knife though, I felt myself slipping back into the pit I can only describe as rank and engulfing. I was angry with Calvin again for neglecting me all over again. I was lashing out at my co-workers, friends and even Talon. My boss was getting fed up with my attitude and suggested I take a few days off. 

          I left the theater that afternoon with the most disgusting feeling I’d ever had in the pit of my stomach. I managed to walk ten feet before I doubled over and threw my lunch onto the ground. I felt my hate and my anger rising to a new level. Talon came out after me and upon seeing me doubled over walked to my side cautiously.

     “Natty..?” He said my name slow, soothing and deliberate. He has always known the best way to address me. I sighed and spit the bile and taste from my mouth, slowly standing and not facing him, “What, Talon… have you come to belittle me, too?”
    “Is that what you think I do when we talk..?” I knew by his tone that his eyebrows were rising slowly and the corners of his lips we beginning to turn up. He knew I was being childish. Damn him.
    “No. And you know that. So why torture me about it? Brass just told me to take a few days off to “re-focus” on what’s important to me. What the hell does that even mean? I know I’m being difficult but between the show and my dad and everything else... I can’t help how I am!” I threw my hands into the air as if doing that would send my frustrations skyward and away from the both of us. He chuckled and glanced over his shoulder to the back door of the theater. 


    “Did you leave without Brass letting you?” I asked before he could get whatever he was going to say past his lips. He blinked a couple times before responding.
    “Sort of. You’re a bit more important than a job, Natty.” He shrugged and kept staring me down, “It’s not a big deal so don’t get all… Weird on me. This job is fun and all but it’s just a job to me. I don’t have the aspirations you do. You know that.” He grinned, “I wanted to come make sure you’re ok and that you’d still come by tonight.”

              I rolled my eyes. “I’m really not in the mood for that, Talon. Brass is two steps away from firing my ass and that’s all you can think about..?”  My hands landed on my hips and a scowl came across my face. He laughed.
    “Did you forget about the party..?” He crossed his arms over his chest defensively and put on his best pout. Now it was my turn to blink and be caught off guard. I felt my shoulders slump and I sighed.
    “Yes, I forgot… Sorry.” My eyes drifted to the ground as he stepped closer and put his hands on my shoulders.



    “If you don’t want to come, you don’t have to. I know you’re not feeling well and you’re frustrated with your dad… Just go home, rest and think it over. I’d really like to see you tonight in that black dress you’ve been promising me, though.” As he lifted my chin to look him in the eyes, I was already smiling.
Talon understood me and never pressured me. He knew how to persuade me properly. His smile was my favorite thing. He kissed my forehead, let me go and ran back to the theater without waiting for my response.


He knew I would show up. 

The bastard.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Writhing Sea... My Strength and My Weakness...

When we take revenge against another, we lose some of our innocence.
Patrice Redd Vecchione
----
 I knew it was all over now... They were going to come for me.. For their revenge. But I was ready.. But I had already prepared myself to die for this.
In my elation at finally getting what I needed... I also felt so hollow..
How is that, once you finally get what you sought... You lose everything at the same time..?

----


In my teenager years I can only describe myself as despicable. I know that now. Without all my old friends around I got into the most trouble I could. I met the wrong people and started doing all the wrong I could... I was angry... I was proud... I was rebellious... And I was selfish.

 
It started when I met "the boy". I can only describe him as "the boy" because that is all I really know about him now.  Chase Thompson. He was raised in the opposite environment I was. One parent. Three siblings. A mom who worked three jobs just to keep up with her boys... And was never around.  He went to a public school. Wore dark clothes. Was into parties, clubs and all kinds of trouble. He was perfect. I met new, supportive and sympathetic friends who felt my pains.. We were all miserable together... And we were all trouble together.

My first arrest was for public drunkenness.




Followed by vandalism and destruction of private property.






I cannot count how many times I was out past curfew.

But for every arrest I also got away with much... much more...

I'm not proud of this. Though, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself at the time. In my mind, this was the ideal way to get back at my parents.. If they could act so foolishly and ruin their reputation then, surely, I was allowed to do the same.

Chase and I were inseparable. He would always sneak out to see me... Or I would always sneak over to his place and we'd spend our nights together doing aimless, stupid, useless, destructive things. It was love... In some strange form.

Chase lived in a small, would-be ski-house if his mother didn't work as recklessly as she did to keep it from being taken from her. She was just never around for them when they had problems or were in trouble. I felt Chase's pain along with my own.





I remember being there one night just lounging around with Chase when he heard the front door unlocking... The look that came over his face was pure shock.

"Quick. You have to hide!"

"What?! Why? It's just your mom."

"Yeah but.. She doesn't know that you sneak over and it'd just KILL her to know!"

"You've got to be kidding me..... What a MOMMA'S BOY!!"

"Shut up! She doesn't know and I don't want her to! Haven't you noticed I NEVER get caught when we're out!? Seriously, Nat!" 


And with that, he shoved me into a closet and fell into his bed and pretended to be asleep. I contemplated my next move. I was livid at Chase for shoving me aside and wanted to make him suffer.
It was coming down to a debate of  should I pop out of the closet and feign surprise at her existence or if I should just stand over his bed with a wicked grin as she opened the door...

But as she entered the room and I saw the look on her face... My heart broke... 


I knew that look.. The look all mothers should give their children when they see them content and safe... She slipped into his room... So silent... Then slowly pulled the blanket up and over her son, kissed his forehead like he was still a child, stood over him a few moments...
It was then that I realized she was praying over... and for... Her son.



I bit my hand and held the sob back that was threatening to reveal me. How is that this woman.. Who worked so hard.. and was never around.. Could hold so much love and strength in her tiny little body..

I rocked myself back and forth in the tiny space I'd been crammed into desperate to not make a noise... and felt the tears rolling down...
I want to kick the door open. To shake this woman to tell her everything her son did. To expose him and purge myself of this wretched feeling I had...
But somehow, I knew.. I could do nothing to this woman to shake her... 

I felt like she knew I was there, sulking, writhing and seething in her son's closet...






As she turned and left the room, shutting the door silently behind her, I had a revelation.

I knew that my hatred was consuming me and...

I didn't know how to make it stop.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Inside the Cage... Release the Demons

"No trait is more justified than revenge in the right time and place."
Meir Kahane



I wonder., deep down inside my frozen flesh, if that is what will be said about me. That all my trials, laughter, pains and motivations were for this one thing. To see the decayed liquid on my hands and to feel the bubbling insanity rising in my throat.. To know that I, finally, after all this time had found my revenge.


---
My life was very sweet. I wasn't born the way I am, though I know those who are. I was born on May 27th of 1986. I had a mother and a father who loved me, a beautiful home near a river bank, my own room, all the toys a kid could ask for... And money.

Lots and lots of money.

My father is Calvin Breckenridge. Yes, that Breckenridge from the famous ski-town in Colorado. His family has owned one of the largest hotel and spas in the area. Lots of business meant lots of money and lots of high-end clients. He met my mother, Evelyn, on one of her annual ski trips. Turns out her family was starting to feel the pinch in their industry, whatever it was, and needed an "economic boost". My mother cuddled up to my father, they made fast friends and boom.. Next thing you know... They're hitched, mom's family has money again and... 
Then I came along.
 
I'm not whimpering or whining about my childhood. My parents loved me very much. I always wore the latest clothes, the nicest fashions and enjoyed a high-end school with high-class friends. Hell, I didn't even lack for friends. I was always the popular girl with the right people at her sides.


However, since I was always away at boarding school. I never saw the turmoil my parents were experiencing. My mother, in all her loyalty to my dad's money, steadily began to lose it.
It started with just a worsening attitude. Then shopping sprees. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in random couture, jewelry, fashions, even a couple cars. My dad dismissed it as a mid-life crisis at first but steadily began to notice how busy my mother was keeping herself.
He hired a private detective to look into my mother's personal affairs and that's when the fights started. When the word "divorce" entered the arguments that's when I began fighting them. I didn't want my perfect world shattered by my parent's foolish differences.

By the time word got out my friends had abandoned me and I wasn't a happy child anymore. I was getting arrested. I was shoplifting.. I was smoking, drinking and getting into all kinds of trouble.

And I was determined to only drive our family further into hell.