When we take revenge against another, we lose some of our innocence.
Patrice Redd Vecchione
----
I knew it was all over now... They were going to come for me.. For their revenge. But I was ready.. But I had already prepared myself to die for this.
In my elation at finally getting what I needed... I also felt so hollow..
How is that, once you finally get what you sought... You lose everything at the same time..?
I knew it was all over now... They were going to come for me.. For their revenge. But I was ready.. But I had already prepared myself to die for this.
In my elation at finally getting what I needed... I also felt so hollow..
How is that, once you finally get what you sought... You lose everything at the same time..?
----
In my teenager years I can only describe myself as despicable. I know that now. Without all my old friends around I got into the most trouble I could. I met the wrong people and started doing all the wrong I could... I was angry... I was proud... I was rebellious... And I was selfish.
It started when I met "the boy". I can only describe him as "the boy" because that is all I really know about him now. Chase Thompson. He was raised in the opposite environment I was. One parent. Three siblings. A mom who worked three jobs just to keep up with her boys... And was never around. He went to a public school. Wore dark clothes. Was into parties, clubs and all kinds of trouble. He was perfect. I met new, supportive and sympathetic friends who felt my pains.. We were all miserable together... And we were all trouble together.
My first arrest was for public drunkenness.
Followed by vandalism and destruction of private property.
I cannot count how many times I was out past curfew.
But for every arrest I also got away with much... much more...
I'm not proud of this. Though, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself at the time. In my mind, this was the ideal way to get back at my parents.. If they could act so foolishly and ruin their reputation then, surely, I was allowed to do the same.
Chase and I were inseparable. He would always sneak out to see me... Or I would always sneak over to his place and we'd spend our nights together doing aimless, stupid, useless, destructive things. It was love... In some strange form.
Chase lived in a small, would-be ski-house if his mother didn't work as recklessly as she did to keep it from being taken from her. She was just never around for them when they had problems or were in trouble. I felt Chase's pain along with my own.
I remember being there one night just lounging around with Chase when he heard the front door unlocking... The look that came over his face was pure shock.
"Quick. You have to hide!"
"What?! Why? It's just your mom."
"Yeah but.. She doesn't know that you sneak over and it'd just KILL her to know!"
"You've got to be kidding me..... What a MOMMA'S BOY!!"
"Shut up! She doesn't know and I don't want her to! Haven't you noticed I NEVER get caught when we're out!? Seriously, Nat!"
And with that, he shoved me into a closet and fell into his bed and pretended to be asleep. I contemplated my next move. I was livid at Chase for shoving me aside and wanted to make him suffer.
It was coming down to a debate of should I pop out of the closet and feign surprise at her existence or if I should just stand over his bed with a wicked grin as she opened the door...
But as she entered the room and I saw the look on her face... My heart broke...
I knew that look.. The look all mothers should give their children when they see them content and safe... She slipped into his room... So silent... Then slowly pulled the blanket up and over her son, kissed his forehead like he was still a child, stood over him a few moments...
It was then that I realized she was praying over... and for... Her son.
I bit my hand and held the sob back that was threatening to reveal me. How is that this woman.. Who worked so hard.. and was never around.. Could hold so much love and strength in her tiny little body..
I rocked myself back and forth in the tiny space I'd been crammed into desperate to not make a noise... and felt the tears rolling down...
I want to kick the door open. To shake this woman to tell her everything her son did. To expose him and purge myself of this wretched feeling I had...
But somehow, I knew.. I could do nothing to this woman to shake her...
I felt like she knew I was there, sulking, writhing and seething in her son's closet...
As she turned and left the room, shutting the door silently behind her, I had a revelation.
I knew that my hatred was consuming me and...
I didn't know how to make it stop.
My first arrest was for public drunkenness.
Followed by vandalism and destruction of private property.
I cannot count how many times I was out past curfew.
But for every arrest I also got away with much... much more...
I'm not proud of this. Though, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy myself at the time. In my mind, this was the ideal way to get back at my parents.. If they could act so foolishly and ruin their reputation then, surely, I was allowed to do the same.
Chase and I were inseparable. He would always sneak out to see me... Or I would always sneak over to his place and we'd spend our nights together doing aimless, stupid, useless, destructive things. It was love... In some strange form.
Chase lived in a small, would-be ski-house if his mother didn't work as recklessly as she did to keep it from being taken from her. She was just never around for them when they had problems or were in trouble. I felt Chase's pain along with my own.
I remember being there one night just lounging around with Chase when he heard the front door unlocking... The look that came over his face was pure shock.
"Quick. You have to hide!"
"What?! Why? It's just your mom."
"Yeah but.. She doesn't know that you sneak over and it'd just KILL her to know!"
"You've got to be kidding me..... What a MOMMA'S BOY!!"
"Shut up! She doesn't know and I don't want her to! Haven't you noticed I NEVER get caught when we're out!? Seriously, Nat!"
And with that, he shoved me into a closet and fell into his bed and pretended to be asleep. I contemplated my next move. I was livid at Chase for shoving me aside and wanted to make him suffer.
It was coming down to a debate of should I pop out of the closet and feign surprise at her existence or if I should just stand over his bed with a wicked grin as she opened the door...
But as she entered the room and I saw the look on her face... My heart broke...
I knew that look.. The look all mothers should give their children when they see them content and safe... She slipped into his room... So silent... Then slowly pulled the blanket up and over her son, kissed his forehead like he was still a child, stood over him a few moments...
It was then that I realized she was praying over... and for... Her son.
I bit my hand and held the sob back that was threatening to reveal me. How is that this woman.. Who worked so hard.. and was never around.. Could hold so much love and strength in her tiny little body..
I rocked myself back and forth in the tiny space I'd been crammed into desperate to not make a noise... and felt the tears rolling down...
I want to kick the door open. To shake this woman to tell her everything her son did. To expose him and purge myself of this wretched feeling I had...
But somehow, I knew.. I could do nothing to this woman to shake her...
I felt like she knew I was there, sulking, writhing and seething in her son's closet...
As she turned and left the room, shutting the door silently behind her, I had a revelation.
I knew that my hatred was consuming me and...
I didn't know how to make it stop.
She is absolutely gorgeous! I liked the Marilyn Monroe poster. Chase was the name of my first real crush. They look really cute together...
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